I hate that there is no stability in my life. Hate it. My parents divorced when I was 11 and it was pretty intense. Me and my mom and brother and sister lived in a house that was falling apart for years after my dad moved out and by falling apart I mean the roof was caving in, the plumbing was shot to hell and the basement was flooded and full of black mold. If it weren't for my grandmother (God rest her soul) living next door we would have had a much more horrible time. I was never unhappy when we lived this way, at least I can't remember being unhappy, but it gave me a feeling of being all along without a safety net for the rest of my life until the present. My aunt and uncle had to always end up paying for every expense that my mom could not pay for, including the surgery that saved my dog's life and to fix the plumbing so that we wouldn't continue to have our toilet overflow into the basement. It made me feel grateful and appreciative towards my wonderful family but it also made me feel horribly unstable. We finally moved out of that house when we moved in with my step-family, whom I hated at the time, because hey, who doesn't hate their new "replacement father" and his bratty children when they just go through their parents separating?
Years dragged on and everything seemed ok, we all adjusted as best as possible and we all managed to get along. Then boom. My grandmother gets sick and my mom falls into a depression, losing her job and pretty much her will to do anything more. Things get tense, my horribly inconsiderate stepsister moves back in and causes havoc and suddenly my mom and step dad are having issues. They go to therapy and try and work out their problems but whenever I hear my step-dads voice I ALWAYS assume they're arguing. I'm SO SICK of seeing people split up it almost makes me want to never get married.
I was always a shy child and not very confident so needless to say II'm a little behind in things that people my age would already have. An apartment for one. I still live at home because I don't make enough money at my crappy job and I'm too afraid to look for another because I feel like I would just be let go. There's the stability problem again. If I lose my source of income I have no one to back me up. My dad doesn't have any money, my mom doesn't have any money, and I wouldn't dare asking my aunts or uncles for money because perhaps I have too much pride. But here we are, the threat of those two splitting up and leaving me with no place to go. My old house is off limits, my grandmother's house is sold, I have no place to go home to. No stability. I feel like a burden and that I'm partially causing all this but I'm powerless to stop it. I'm so sick of this. I just need somewhere to go to feel safe, but I have no idea where that is. I can't talk to my friends about it because I'm a little shy about talking about my problems. So I'm going to place it here, where almost no one will see it (hopefully no one) and probably delete it tomorrow.
Pay no attention to me, I just needed to let it all out.
- Current Mood: distressed
( WEEEEEECollapse )
Just came up with Sydney's design last night(and went a bit crazy with it) but I've had Frankie and Isaak for a while already so I just had to change their designs a tad.
Here are some old pics of Frankie and Isaak: http://siriuslylostwerewolf.deviantart.c
Still working on Hollis(even though his design is pretty much done, I still cannot translate it to paper) and Zoe and Molly are going to take forever. Man I cannot draw women...it's a curse. >.<
STILL working on back stories. I feel like I should tweak them all a bit and then eventually post a huge novel about each character. Soooooo I'll just refrain from saying anything about them here for now. DERP.
- Current Mood: anxious
Apart from that I had a rather productive day. I finally bought a headlight bulb for my car. I've been driving around with only one headlight praying to God that a cop wouldn't spot me and, having nothing better to do, pull me over. I was always afraid of that happening because I had also misplaced my registration and that wouldn't have been good. "Oh hey officer, nice day we're having...oh, license and registration? Ok, here's my license, but uh...I seem to have misplaced my registration. Wait, why do I have to step out of the car?" >.< I've never been pulled over before -knocks on wood- but I'm hoping I never do. Cops freak me out sometimes. Oh yeah and I did find my registration. ;D
Ok, I'm done now.
I need to figure out how to upload awesome userpics again since I seem to have outgrown Bleach since my last visit. -cheesy grin-
Bare with me. D8
So basically I'm excited about Otakon. VERY excited. I may be meeting some deviant people there. *dances* I know for sure of one person who is going, but there are still one or two more who said "Maybe". Then there's all the people who have tables set up at Artist's Alley. I've got to remember to take my RE: Play mangas with me to get Christy to sign them. Ooh I'll be so happy to have her autograph. I love that manga series. <33
This year I'm not going to make it all about seeing and meeting Voice Actors like I did last year. Although I did have an excuse. Last year's Otakon was my very first convention and I knew Vic Mignogna was gonna be there and I wanted his autograph so bad. So I pretty much made my time there all about meeting him...and I prevailed. XD It's not easy to actually meet a voice actor at Otakon. It's a ginormous convention so it's first come first serve. Fortunately I wasn't wearing an uncomfortable outfit and was able to stand in line for three hours to get his autograph.
I'm hoping that I run into a empty panel like I did last time with Colleen Clinkenbeard. I caught the tail end of it and since she had time left over she said she'd accept pictures and autographs. :-) Oh, I was so happy I caught that. XD Although, all of the voice actors I want to meet will probably have a swarm of fangirls/fanboys around them at all times, but here's hoping I can catch someone good! :D
But anyway, before I wander any further away from the subject, I was saying that I was gonna spend more time looking around at the convention. x3 I will go into random panels, cruise the game rooms and maybe play some games (oooh!), take pictures of cosplayers and actually cosplay! I'm really stoked about being able to dress up this year. If I had the money (or talent to make my own costumes) then I'd cosplay as a different character everyday. Preferably someone from Bleach, someone from Soul Eater and someone from Bleach again. lol But, alas, I can only afford one costume and I can't make my own. So it'll just be a basic and kinda plain Bleach character. I won't be dressing up at home either....my family would tease me. D8 So I need something quick to throw on AT the convention.
So yeah, costume has to be small, hair needs to be styled already or really easy to style by myself in a cramped bathroom. rofl This sounds so glamorous. But yeah, I'm really that shy about my obsession with anime. Everyone I know sees it as a completely different creature. Like it's an alien that shouldn't be touched. I don't see why it's so far-fetched. *shrugs*
Oh well, that's it for this journal. I wanted that depressing crap over with. Things are a little better right now and they continue to get better the closer Otakon gets. *jumps up and down* 8D
- Current Mood: excited
But seriously, I'll be looking for friends and such. >.> Let's see how long this journal lasts.
- Current Mood: creative